Life seems like a pay-to-play scheme

There were at least 800 people who followed me after seeing my video confession about wishing I was dead since I was 8 years old. And at least 120 were honest enough to comment and say they relate. The comments came in waves.

There were some that wished they could give me a hug. People said feel free to DM them if I wanted to talk. A large number of people said it's neurodivergence and I should get a therapist and meds ASAP. Some people said they've been waiting too. A number said to trust them and keep going, it gets better! And to prove that I wasn't speaking into an echo chamber, some people said that I should pray to God because he comforts them.

The comments that stood out though were the ones who shared their age with me. There were people 40-70 that said I too have yearned for death since childhood and I still haven't found the thing. And regardless of intention, such statements only confirm in my mind that we should follow our impulse.

Because life isn't free. Your parents may have paid for your entry fee but it is not enough.

It's obvious that universal basic income isn't going to become a thing in our foreseeable future so living seems like a pay-to-play scheme we all were born into, call it the Matrix if you will. Plenty of folks may be content playing this game called life that they don't mind paying into the system: taxes, fees, mortgages, and debts to keep you hooked and unable to step away even if you want to.

But what about those of us who clocked it early, who didn't understand why people were so obsessed with pulling the lever year after year when they only made incremental gains despite buying into it at such a high cost? You understood the potential to win big time. But the prize that had other people salivating didn't seem worth it if you considered the entry fees collected and combined year after year for your spot.

Because life isn't free. Your parents may have paid for your entry fee but it is not enough. You have to pay to exist on this planet. At least if you want to have a roof over your head and food in your belly. You have to exchange your time, goods, and services, some even resort to selling their souls to increase their odds of happiness or fame.

If I had unlimited free resources, perhaps I wouldn't mind sticking around for decades more, endlessly pulling the lever for that unguaranteed payout. But to have to continuously pay into this game that I didn't have a vested interest in playing in the first place? What are my options? Because the world makes it clear that logging off out of your own volition isn't allowed.

Especially those of you that are older, how do you afford your existence without losing your marbles every single day? Like clockwork, I've burnt out of every job I've been in by the six month mark. I've never made a dime off social media which means all the time I put in filming, editing, and generating content is unpaid labor.

If life is a game you can't quit, therapy is an option. Seeking medication is an option. Moving out of United States is also something I've entertained because even if I don't feel like playing, perhaps the novelty might make playing the game more bearable. But you know what? Death seems cheaper.

What should you do if you don't want to play and you don't want to pay?